Operation: Kill Chris
by The Sarcasm Master
Summary: Topher still wants Chris's job, but nothing he does seems to be working! So naturally, he decides to bring together some of the old contestants to assassinate Chris. Because that makes sense. A Topher-centric two-shot.


For the third time in five hours, Topher McLeod found himself on the curb outside of the biggest reality TV show building in the entire province. b. From a normal person's standpoint, that would signal incompetence and an inability to impress employers. What, with being kicked out of three separate job interviews in the meager space of five hours.

But Topher was a special case in that all three of his job interviews had been at the_ same freaking place. _The first time around he'd indirectly insulted his employer, dismissing the possibility of work or subordination, and styled his hair while the boss talked. He'd been unceremoniously showed the door. For a normal person, that would be the end of it. They would shrug, carry on, and find a different job more suited to their skills.

Topher was not a normal person.

The job he desired was a position in the reality show business, as anyone who knew him might have guessed. He fully intended to work his way up to the top of the ladder, and he was certainly willing to do anything it took to get there. So, of course, after the first failure, he returned to the same place but with a fake mustache on and a German accent. Needless to say, this time he was literally thrown out of the building.

The third time around, he, being the rational person he was, climbed up to the man's office while he was on his lunch break and changed the results of the interview to show that he had gotten the job. It would have worked had the nearest donut shop been closed that day and a disappointed Mr. Bark walked back into his office to eat the shitty food that the office served.

Topher had been ejected out the window this time.

"AND DON'T EVER COME BACK!" the manager yelled as Topher coughed from on the curb, scraped and bleeding from the drop.

"I THINK THAT'S AGAINST THE LAW!" Topher yelled back, rubbing the back of his head as he slowly got up.

"SO WAS BREAKING INTO MY OFFICE AND TRYING TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOU GOT THE JOB!" Mr. Bark...barked.

"WHY ARE WE STILL YELLING?" Topher replied.

Bark paused for a minute. "...I DON'T KNOW! BUT IF YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING ILLEGAL, IT SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE SOME SHOCK VALUE! GO KILL CHRIS OR SOMETHING! SEE YA NEVER!" Bark shut the window and Topher groaned as he got up.

"Stupid preeny-ass whiny sucky talent-blind old-timer," Topher growled. "He's useless. If I want to get that job, I need to do something to show that I can be dramatic..."

Then he got a thought. Which formed into an idea. And as the idea spread across his mind and started to focus, Topher's scowling face slowly lessened. The corners of his mouth turned up ever-so-slightly until the smirk stretched across his entire face. Topher laughed under his breath. His inhale was a slingshot, immediately releasing another, louder laugh on his exhale. Another breath and the sound of a maniacal cackle echoed across the street akin to that of a banshee. The sound waves bounced off the walls, causing people to turn their heads towards the noise and stare confusedly.

"Whoops," he muttered as people stared at him. "That was just...me practicing for an audition..." People continued staring. "You know, for the Wicked Witch of the North. Wizard of Oz and all." He laughed again nervously. "I'm melting?"

With a gulp, he turned away and ran.

With a collective shrug, people turned back and resumed their daily lives.

As he entered an alleyway, his smirk returned. "Kill Chris, huh? Would that be enough for you, network?" Topher pulled out his smart phone and quickly pulled up the contact info for the Total Drama contestants. "Survival of the fittest it is, then."

He narrowed his eyes as he noticed that the phone numbers of each contestant had been wiped clean. "Huh? That's weird...guess they wanted some privacy. Meh, I'll track them down myself. Any good murderer needs accomplices to take the fall if he's caught! I'm sure some of these guys will be willing to help me out...

* * *

**Amy**

Topher looked around as he walked up to the posh suburban house that Amy apparently resided in. He yawned as he heard the barking of a German Shepherd and proceeded to walk onto the porch. With a clearing of his throat, he rang the doorbell. He tucked his hands behind his back and whistled as he waited. From inside the house he could hear the sound of yelling.

"SAMEY, GET THE DOOR! NOW!"

"NO, YOU GET THE DOOR YOU LAZY BITCH! YOU STILL SEEM TO BE IN THE HABIT OF TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, BUT YOU'VE FORGOTTEN I'M NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE!"

"WELL EXCUSE ME, BUT I'M DOING MY MAKEUP AND YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE LOUNGING ON THE COMPUTER! _YOU_ GET THE DOOR!"

"WHY DON'T _YOU _GO STUFF IT?"

"AT LEAST I HAVE, YOU KNOW, AN ACTUAL PLACE TO STUFF THINGS, UNLIKE YOU, _FLAT CHEST!"_

Topher's eyes widened as the siblings' bickering continued and he slowly backed away from the door, ready to run for his life. But before he could leave, the door finally opened and Sammy stood, dark circles underneath her eyes and a scowl on her face, still in her pajamas.

"Um, hi," Topher said awkwardly as Sammy scowled at him.

"What is it?" the nicer twin snapped.

"Uh," Topher began. "I was hoping I could talk to Amy."

Sammy sniffed. "Oh, so this is about that stupid shipping? Yeah, no thanks. Neither of us are interested. I don't even _understand _it, but Amy just one day found a fanfiction about her and you and she freaking FLIPPED OUT-"

"NO, no," Topher said. "That's not what this is! I want to kill Chris, would your sister be in?"

Sammy groaned and turned her head back. "HEY, TOPHER'S HERE! HE WANTS YOU TO HELP HIM KILL CHRIS!"

"TELL HIM TO GO SUCK HIS OWN DI-"

Sammy turned back to face Topher. "She says no. Bye!" And with that, she slammed the door.

Topher stood on the porch for a solid ten seconds, contemplating what had just happened before turning around and leaving.

* * *

**Beardo**

Ugh.

The beatboxing.

The sound effects.

The godawful rap music.

Topher could hear it a block away, and he looked around to see that people appeared to have donned noise-cancelling headphones as necessary outdoors wear. There were soda cans on the ground everywhere, and Topher reminisced back when Beardo was just some weird loner freak who got voted out first and was never heard from again.

Now it seemed he was big man on campus.

As Topher walked into the college party, Beardo immediately saw him and let out a cheer sound effect from behind the DJ's box. As the subwoofers piloted bumper cars around Topher's skull, he walked through the party with hands clamped to his ears.

"BEARDO!" Topher yelled, trying to make himself heard over the loud music. "COULD YOU TURN IT DOWN?"

Beardo turned down the dial and waved to Topher, making a door squeak sound effect as he did so.

"THANK you!" Topher sighed in relief. "I just want to talk to you for a minute."

Beardo made a "ding" sound and put his thumbs up.

"I want to kill Chris, would you help me?"

Beardo gasped. "DUN! DUN! DUUUUUUUN!"

Topher groaned. "Well? Your answer? This place is fucking humid, it's making my hair gel get all out of whack."

Beardo gave him a thumbs down, shaking his head sadly.

Topher sighed. "Okay. Thank you. Buh bye, have fun being deaf." And with that, he walked out of the party.

His ears would be ringing for the next week.

* * *

**Dave**

St. Luke's Mental Institution was not exactly a clean place. Of course, after attempted murder and general insanity, Dave had been transferred there. And proceeded to break down even more about the contents of the asylum, which led to them depositing him in a very clean, white room. He was very happy there.

Topher hadn't at first been allowed access to Dave, but peoples' minds could definitely change when presented with a fifty dollar bill.

"Yo Dave," Topher laughed nervously. "How's it going?"

Dave spit on the ground before cringing. "Ew, spit. Ew. What do YOU want?"

"Kill Chris?" Topher asked. "I'll pay you."

"Would it be clean?" Dave asked anxiously.

"...what?"

"Would the kill be clean?" Dave asked again, folding his arms. "I don't want to get blood on me. It's so icky. But hey, if we asphyxiate him that would be perfectly clean, right?"

"Uh...I don't know, I don't want to get dirty either, I mean have you seen my face?" Topher asked, getting creeped out a bit. "You know what? Never mind. Forget I came here."

"Okay!" Dave chirped. "Let me know how it goes!"

Topher shivered as he left. "Note to self: never bring _squeaky-clean _back for another season. _Ever."_

* * *

**Ella**

Topher skipped this one because he knew that there was a snowball's chance in hell of convincing Ella to help kill someone.

* * *

**Jasmine**

Topher rang the doorbell to Jasmine's house. He let out a "huh" as he observed that the door was seven feet tall. "Guess giantess has a custom-made door. Who knew?"

The door opened and Jasmine looked down at Topher, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Oh, what are _you _doing here?"

"What, not happy to see me?" Topher asked, absolutely no pretense of nicety on his face. "Yeah, I didn't miss you either. You're too tall a girl for network TV=, I don't know why they put you on."

"EXCUSE me?" Jasmine snarled. "Just who do you think you are, coming to MY house then insulting MY height!" Topher gulped as Jasmine took a step towards him, towering over him.

"KillChrismaybe?" he asked quickly, cringing.

Jasmine scowled.

"No."

And with that, she picked him up and threw him off the porch.

* * *

**Leonard**

As Topher walked up to the suburban house, he sighed in disappointment. "Seriously, you'd think these guys would jump at the opportunity to help me," he groaned, walking up to Leonard's door. "If only because they want to kill Chris as much as I do."

He knocked, resigned to his fate. Slowly, the door opened and the wizard teenager peeked his head out. "Sorry, but I'm in the middle of a complex ritual in order to revive-"

"Yeah, that's cool and all," Topher interrupted. "But let's talk about me, thank you! I want to kill Chris, you in?"

Leonard scratched his beard, eyebrows furrowing. "Well, this is rather important, but I guess it would be alright."

"What are you doing anyway?" Topher asked in confusion, trying to barge in. "What ritual could be so important that I don't IMMEDIATELY get you on my side?"

"I recommend you don't come in here-" the scrawny nerd began as Topher tried to force his way in.

"No, seriously! I have WAY more of a life than you, what could POSSIBLY be so important about-" Topher stumbled as Leonard let go of the door and he stumbled inside.

Topher looked around at the cauldron in the living room. Then at the strangely real-looking bone, hand, and blood in the room.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Topher ran out of the house, screaming.

"Wait, I can explain!" Leonard ran after Topher. "It's not real!"

"It better not be real!" Topher whimpered, crouching on the lawn.

"Uh, there's also something else you should know," Leonard said from about ten feet away.

"What?"

"You're crouching on dog poop."

Topher stood up, looked down at the ground where he'd been sitting, then to his behind.

Then he screamed again.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT! I NEED A CHANGE OF PANTS, I NEED A CHANGE OF PANTS!"

Leonard yelled after him. "BY THE WAY I'M IN ON THE CHRIS THING! JUST SO YOU KNOW!"

Topher didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this.

* * *

**Max**

Topher didn't know what he was expecting upon walking up to Max's house. Stormy skies, purple and black painting, thunder and lightning, _something. _What he did NOT expect was a perfectly nice, normal-looking house with a beautiful garden and freshly-mowed grass. He snickered a bit as he walked up. "If he comes back for a season, I'm going to show this as embarrassing footage...damn, dude. You pride yourself on being evil when you live HERE?"

He rang the doorbell, whistling to himself. The door opened, and his eyes widened as not Max, but a short, middle-aged woman with a bright yet dim smile. "Oh, you must be Max's friend! He's been expecting you!"

"He has?" Topher asked incredulously as Max's mom led him inside, escorting him to the kitchen table. "Uh, why?"

"Well, for his playdate of course! I'm so proud of him." She smiled wistfully. "It's his first, you know." She leaned in and whispered to him. "He doesn't have many friends, so it's nice to see that you're here."

"What about that one chick, the redhead?" Topher asked, and the woman's face darkened.

"That bitch can stay away from my son if she knows what's good for her," Max's mom grinned sadistically, before resuming her normal appearance. "Cookies?"

Topher gulped and nodded. He accepted the cookie and stood up. "Is he in his room?"

"Yes, he has a tendency for dramatics," Max's mom laughed. "Third door to the right."

Topher walked over and knocked on the door.

"Come in."

As Topher walked in, Max turned around in a swivel chair, fingers steepled. "Good day, Benjamin. It is a good day to be EVI-wait, you're not Benjamin."

"What?" Topher asked flatly.

"You kidnapped him, didn't you?" Max said, narrowing his eyes. Suddenly, he grinned. "How very EVIL of you! How can I help you?"

"I want to kill Chris," Topher said flatly, not even bothering putting inflection into his voice anymore.

Max furrowed his eyebrows, pondering for a moment. "Hmn...very well! I will join you! BUT I WILL WANT SOMETHING IN RETURN!"

"Well, I'm gonna be host after he's gone," Topher chuckled sinisterly. "What do you want?"

"I WANT-" Max began, before freezing in place with his finger held dramatically in the air. "I WANT...I WANT..." He slumped. "I don't know."

"We'll figure something out," Topher sighed. "Now come on, let's go before your mother tries to kill me!"

* * *

**Rodney**

Topher sighed as he looked out at Rodney's farm. "I'm not doing it," he said, looking down at the grass in front of him. "I'm not getting near that stench! It's not worth it. I'm not gonna do it. There's probably horseshit out there." He laughed nervously. "Yeah...not like he could be useful or anything..." He gulped, and turned around to see a black cat staring at him. "What are you looking at? Get lost! Shoo!"

The cat hissed at him and ran off.

Topher grumbled as he walked back to his car. "Never making that drive again. Stupid cat...ah well, it's probably not that important. It's not like it's a bad omen or anything. Pft. It's a cat. That's just being superstitious."

* * *

**Sammy**

Topher walked up to Amy and Sammy's house and knocked again, having not had the foresight enough to realize that one trip to ask both of them was the rational and sensible way to go about things.

"SAMEY, GET THE DOOR!"

"I'M NOT GETTING THE DOOR, YOU GET THE DOOR!"

"WHY WOULD I HAVE TO GET THE DOOR? YOU'RE BEING LAZY!"

"EXCUSE ME, BUT WHO AGAIN STOLE ALL THE CHIPS AND ATE THEM IN HER ROOM IN SECRET?"

Topher sighed and walked away from the door.

"THAT...THAT WAS _ONE TIME _YOU _BITCH!"_

"OH, ISN'T THAT PRECIOUS! _I'M _THE BITCH?"

"GET THE DOOR!"

"FINE!"

Sammy scowled as she opened the door to find that there was no one there.

Irritably, she slammed it shut and went right back to arguing with her sister.

* * *

**Scarlett**

Topher groaned as he arrived at the arranged meeting place to only receive a planted phone that had a number attached to it. Scarlett, being a wanted fugitive, had been hard to track down but he'd eventually managed to contact her, and she'd arranged a meeting in the middle of the woods. Now, to find that there was only a phone in her place, he was starting to get somewhat pissed.

He called the number and waited. Scarlett picked up at the first tone.

"Yeah, this is Topher. You know, the one guy. From the show."

_"You said you had a job opportunity that could make use of my particular talents. Despite my disregard for your ambition and you in general, I think that this could prove to be a beneficial arrangement."_

Topher blinked. "Uh, yeah. Okay. That's great. So yeah, I just want a team to help me kill Chris."

Topher heard a snort from the other end._ "Seriously? That's it? I would have expected more from you. Very well. As long as you pay me ten thousand once it's over, understood?"_

Topher grinned. "You got yourself a deal. Meet me three days from now in Muskoka. We've got a host to kill." With that, Topher proceeded to hang up.

* * *

**Shawn**

Topher scratched his head in confusion, before cursing upon realizing that he'd accidentally messed up his hair while doing so. "Shit!" he cursed, trying to get it back into position. "Oh well, I have bigger and better things to do than worrying about my hair. Hmn, let's see...Shawn, Shawn...where is he? It says his house is here."

Topher looked around at what appeared to be a shack in the middle of nowhere. "Do his parents know about this? Does he...live here? Hell, do his PARENTS live here?" He walked up and knocked on the door.

The wannabe host screamed as a laser gun folded out of the door. "WHAT THE HELL?" He paused for a moment, considering. "Oh right, this is Shawn we're talking about, okay."

_"Identification please."_

Topher cleared his throat hesitantly. "Topher McLeod."

The gun seemed to process this information for a moment. _"Topher McLeod is currently listed under the 'ask to leave' function. Reason is listed as 'annoyance.'"_

"WHAT?" Topher yelled. The gun began to glow at this. "N-never mind..."

_"I will have to ask you to leave,"_ the gun said.

"Yeah yeah," Topher growled, walking away. "Stupid zombie freak never even talked to me, why does he have me listed as an ANNOYANCE. Oh well...he doesn't want me I'll just find someone else. That'll show him."

* * *

**Sky**

The sky (ha ha) had taken a cloudy turn as Topher walked up to the athlete's door. Clearing his throat, he rang the doorbell, waiting expectantly.

Slowly, the door opened and Sky looked out at her former teammate-for-like-one-episode with dark circles under her eyes.

"Hi!" Topher chirped. "I'm here to ask you about something-"

"Not interested," Sky groaned, and aimed to shut the door. Topher stuck his foot in the way. "Nuh-uh-uh! Not so fast! This involves Chris!"

"You going to take him out on a date?" Sky asked tiredly. "I don't have time for your man-crush, Topher." Once again, she attempted to close the door to no avail.

Topher smiled his best cars salesman smile. "No, this is about KILLING Chris. Thought you might be interested."

Sky appeared to mull it over a bit, opened her mouth to answer, and held up her finger. "No."

She slammed the door one final time on Topher's toes, causing the idiot to screech in pain and hop away from the door. Sky swung the door open and slammed it shut again to go get more sleep.

It had been three o'clock in the fucking morning.

* * *

**Sugar**

As Topher scratched his head, examining the final location, he remembered his refusal to go anywhere near Rodney's farm. But as much as he hated to admit it, pairing himself with ONLY Leonard, Max, and Scarlett was...not the brightest idea. He would have to risk getting himself dirty either at Sugar or at Rodney's if he wanted a team of five, so between Sugar and Rodney, he saw Sugar as the more vicious of the two. Only by a little bit, of course.

Topher tiptoed through the front yard, taking care to watch his every step and avoid any form of feces or...other materials left by Sugar's animals. Sighing, he knocked on the door upon receiving an electric shock when he tried to use the doorbell.

The door slid open and Sugar's narrowed eyes peeked out from behind it. "Who's there? Show yourself, or TASTE MAH SHOTGUN!"

Topher backed up about six feet as the door opened more, revealing that Sugar did indeed have a shotgun in her hands. "Whoa, whoa, easy!"

At this, Sugar fired the shotgun, despite Topher not being within range.

"AHHHH!" he screamed, putting his hands protectively around his hair. "I do NOT need a gunshot wound! That would NOT be an attractive look for a host!"

"Whooooo?Aaaaare? Yoooooou?" Sugar asked again, the shotgun armed menacingly.

"Topher!" Topher squeaked. "From Total Drama! You know, the most attractive guy there and soon-to-be host?"

Sugar's scowling face lightened and turned into a smile. "Well, why didn't ya say so?"

She fired again, causing Topher to scream. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

Sugar laughed hysterically. "Just messing with ya! I'd never ACTUALLY shoot ya! I am a PRO with this!" She tapped her finger to her flabby chin in contemplation. "I've only sent five people to the hospital, unlike my pa. Whatcha want, Gopher?"

"TOPHER!"

Sugar sniggered. "I'm just gonna call ya Gopher from now on 'cause that's funnier."

Topher snarled, curling his fists but containing his anger. "I want to kill Chris. You in?"

"YES!" Sugar yelled immediately, holding up the shotgun in the air and causing Topher to duck for cover. "I KNEW MY TALENT WOULDN'T BE WASTED!"

"...what?" Topher asked, completely mortified.

Sugar laughed. "I KNEW that letter saying my audition for 'So You Want To Kill A Celebrity' was a piece o' bullshit, I KNEW it! THANK YA THANK YA THANK YA!" She hugged Topher, the shotgun pressing into his shoulder. "I'm IN!"

Topher whimpered.

It was going to be a long couple of days.

* * *

**There aren't too many Topher-centric fics out there that don't involve pairing him up for some stupid reason, so I decided to make a two-shot devoted to this forgettable, boring asshole. This is more of an experiment than anything to see how I can write characters I don't usually, this will be the first fic of mine where Sugar and Leonard have a prominent role.**

**This might soar high, this might fall flat! We'll see how Topher's team fares against Chris next time, which is basically...whenever I feel like updating this. Hope you enjoyed, and be sure to read and review!**

**Ciao!**


End file.
